Seeing Them, Seeing You
by g-na-1358
Summary: Returning from Shiganshina alive is a heavy burden. An even heavier one when you were prepered to die on the front line, but didn't. (Post-Shiganshina what-if.)


A/N: A gift and a call out for dreamxxdream on tumblr, who knows what she did. Also a very special thank you to datwriterwannabe on tumblr for being kind enough to beta this thing for me.

This fic is a what-if scenario of where both Erwin and Armin survived Shiganshina. The relationship between Erwin and Levi can be interpreted as either romantic or platonic; I tried to keep it as vague as possible.

* * *

Levi knocked sharply on the door that was hovering in front of him. He sighed when he got no response but it wasn't like he expected otherwise. Shifting the tray loaded with food in his hands, he didn't bother knocking again and instead went straight for the handle, opening the door without any regard of the inhabitant's will on the matter.

"I brought you food," he announced in a flat voice, making the person slumped on the bed slowly look up from the book he was reading and blink blankly up at him.

Levi watched a light, yet empty smile appear on Erwin's lips, before he opened his mouth to respond, "Thank you, Levi. Could you leave it on the table, please?"

Levi narrowed his eyes at the still recovering blond. He ran his eyes over his haggard face, unkept hair, and ugly stubble, continuing lower still, down to his severed arm and the gaping hole in his side. A result of the devastating missile attack by the Beast titan in Shiganshina. Eyeing the injury that was apparently still far from healed and wrapped in a thick layer of gauze, Levi thought it really was a miracle the commander even survived. And that was only thanks to Floch's rescue and Hanji's fast and efficient first-aid.

Shaking his head to snap himself out of his reverie, Levi looked Erwin straight in the eyes and it occurred to him how vacant the blues seemed now. He didn't say anything about any of his thoughts, however. "So you can leave it there until it goes cold and somebody comes to check on you again? Yeah, right," he huffed instead, before striding over to stand right next to Erwin, staring him down with an unblinking gaze until the injured man sighed in defeat, putting the book on his lap away to make space for Levi to put the tray there.

Satisfied, Levi dropped into the chair next to the bed, watching as Erwin started eating clumsily with one hand, and only once he made sure the other man actually ate his dinner did he allow his eyes to wander. He glanced towards the bedside table where three moderately thick books lay in a neat pile. Leaning over with the intention to pick up the one on top, curious to see what Erwin was reading before, but he froze when he realized those weren't books at all.

They were the three journals of Grisha Jaeger they found in that fucking basement.

"Erwin," Levi started slowly, his voice flat but sounding dangerously calm. "How many times have you read those," he said with a nod in the direction of the journals, not making it sound like a question. More of an accusation.

Erwin paused mid-bite, cocking his head to the side, that irritating, empty smile back on thiose damn lips. "I think you know the answer to that, Levi."

The captain leaned back in his chair then, throwing an arm over the back rest as he stared Erwin down critically. "Why the fuck are you doing this to yourself?"

Erwin blinked at him a few times, obviously taken aback by the tone of Levi's voice. It was similar to the one he used when he threatened to break his legs to prevent him from going to Shiganshina with them, and Erwin's smile faltered a little. Looking away from Levi's unwavering glare, he answered with an air that wasn't nearly as carefree as he was probably planning it to be. "I don't understand what you mean, Levi."

Levi scowled, clicking his tongue in irritation. "Cut the crap, Erwin. You know very well what you're doing. And you know it won't help."

They sat in silence for a few long moments, as if waiting for something to break the fragile atmosphere hanging over the room, but nothing was coming.

Levi was just starting to think Erwin would ignore his accusation and prepared to say something else when Erwin finally responded, shocking Levi with how quiet and broken the whisper was, "Then what else am I supposed to do, Levi?"

"Get over it," Levi answered immediately, his voice sure and strong. "You proved your father right. You achieved your dream and recovered wall Maria. So, be happy about it and move on. You said you'd know what you'd do once we reach the basement. We did. So, what are you waiting for? Find that new goal and fucking grab onto it."

Erwin let out a small, humourless chuckle at that. He wouldn't expect anything less of Levi. "That's easy for you to say, Levi. You're the one who always saves everyone. I'm the one who kills them."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Levi asked, confusion evident in both his voice and expression.

Erwin shook his head, as if to clear it, before looking Levi in the eyes, all traces of that damn smile gone. "I still see them, Levi."

Levi took a sharp intake of breath, uncrossing his legs and leaning forward to look at Erwin carefully. He appeared so broken in that moment, like he really did see all the people who died under his command, and like they were all telling him it was his fault; his fault they were dead, and Levi didn't know what to say. He wasn't equipped for this. He wasn't _used_ to this. He didn't know how to comfort people. He didn't know how to help them.

Taking in Levi's silence and interpreting it as something else, Erwin smiled bitterly. "Are you disappointed in me?" he asked, shifting slightly as he fought the urge to grab his amputated arm in a nervous habit he had inadvertently developed in the past days.

Levi's continued silence only worked to make him feel more sure of his assumption but then Levi finally said something that made Erwin look back at him uncertainly. "I'm not. I'm just glad to see you're an actual human like the rest of us."

A beat of silence followed Levi's words before Erwin's shoulders started shaking and a quiet laugh soon echoed around the room. "I've been human all this time, Levi."

Levi shrugged, not taking his eyes off of Erwin as he continued to chuckle, starting to sound slightly hysteric and looking as if he was on the verge of a meltdown. "Sure didn't look like it most of the time."

"It didn't, did it," Erwin sighed as he finally quieted down, a forlorn look on his face that made Levi once again question just how much he really knew him. Could he really claim himself to be close to him if he couldn't see this coming? If Erwin's words now, or even before they left on this suicide mission, surprised him?

Erwin continued, trying to explain himself, "I didn't see them before, you know. But once I knew I would never know the truth, it was like I had been seeing them all this time. Like I was just pretending I was not to seeing them before."

Levi nodded seriously, moving his chair a bit closer to Erwin's bed. "We all just pretend we don't see them. But what would be the point if we didn't? We can just live on and not regret our choices."

"You really like saying that."

Levi snorted, crossing his legs again. "Because it's true. What the fuck else can we do in this shithole of a world?"

"No, you're right," Erwin said, shaking his head. "You're right but it's-" he stopped himself before starting again. "I killed them, Levi. _I_ killed all of them. On every mission I killed so many people. _So many people_ just to prove my father right. And now I've reached that objective and the truth is much worse than I ever thought, and I don't have anything else to live for. I don't know why I survived while nobody else did. I should have died in Shiganshina."

"Maybe you should have." Levi agreed, his gaze falling away to rest on the journals again. "We probably all should have died there. But there are 10 of us who didn't so what; are we supposed to fucking cry we didn't die?"

Erwin didn't say anything. Only after a long while of the silence being so thick he could taste it did Levi look back at him, tentative and wondering, not for the first time, if he didn't just make everything worse. It did seem like he had that talent sometimes.

Erwin didn't seem like he realized Levi was still next to him, his eyes looking somewhere far away, his mind in another place. So Levi sighed deeply, seeing as he couldn't do much more at this time. He stood up and as he took back the still half-full tray from Erwin's lap, he squeezed his shoulder firmly. Erwin didn't even flinch, didn't even notice; but Levi didn't care whether Erwin heard him or not. He just needed to let Erwin know.

So he did.

"Everyone is happy you're still alive," he said firmly, but then paused before adding, much gentler and quieter than before, " _I'm_ happy you're still alive."

* * *

Minutes later, walking alone back to the kitchen of the Trost Military Police Headquarters, Levi wondered whether Erwin would ever be the same again.

But then, thinking of the other 8 only surviving members of the Survey Corps and of the 3 oh-so-innocent looking journals on Erwin's bedside table, he doubted _any_ of them ever would be.


End file.
